Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

Don't panic!

The past few nights, I've been waking up with a "Holy shit" thought rolling through my head.

You know the one. You wake up in a cold sweat, thinking about the tasks you have ahead of you, of the way you put yourself out on a limb. "Holy shit, did I really do that? Can I really do this? What was I thinking?"

For me, it's centered around the decision I made to quit my job after 20 years and try something different. I did it for all the right reasons: it's a bigger title, it's more money, it will be better for my family, I can get that house I want, after all these years at the same place I want to try something different. Yeah, those are all pretty damn good reasons.
But still. I think about all the things that I do. How can I describe them properly so that someone else can pick them up? Will someone pick all of them up? Will they be done well? What if some of the things I set in motion get jettisoned because I'm not around to do them? Is that fair to the people who helped me to get them moved forward, who gave me the green light? There's this, and there's that, and don't forget about that, and what will people think of me if something falls down and...oh, hell.

Holy shit. Did I really just quit?

How about if I go to this new place and it doesn't work out? What if the boss who's been anxious for me to work there gets canned, and I am stuck in this new place all alone? What if they don't like the work I do? What if I'm not up to the job? What if I get canned a year or so into the job, and I have nowhere to go? Now I have no severance package to fall back on, all I'd have would be unemployment, and so many people are depending on me, and...oh, hell.

Holy shit. Did I really just quit?

Every time I get to this point, I remember something that someone I didn't particularly like once said to me. Although I didn't think much of him, I did like the advice. He said, "Ted, if you don't have nights where you wake up in a panic and think, 'Oh shit, what I have done?' then you are probably not challenging yourself enough. Those nights are GOOD. They mean that you're challenging yourself. They mean that your life is not just simple and easy. They mean you're actually accomplishing something.'"

Oh, good. I'm actually accomplishing something. Well, that's a consolation.

I keep telling myself this feeling of panic is a good thing. And truthfully, I am looking forward to the new challenge. Setting aside old things. The two week vacation I've carved out for myself before I start the new job. All the unused vacation pay I'll be getting. Yeah, that's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still, sleep is a good thing, too. Lord, can you give me maybe just a few less "oh shit" moments, and more of the eight hours of blissful sleep kind of nights, too? I'd be willing to settle for that.  
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