Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

Here's to the Ladies Who LIPS


One of my best friends at work, Sister Sarah, is leaving the job at the end of August to go to college full time. She's studying to be a nurse practitioner.

Knowing she's leaving the comforts of the corporate world, and with a six-month-old baby and only her husband's salary to rely upon in less than a month, Sarah's been busy making changes in her life. For one thing, she and her hubby sold their house about two weeks ago. They don't have a condo or apartment to move into yet, however, so they had no choice but to move in with her parents. Talk about sacrifice.

I asked her husband Bryan how the move's been going, the other day at lunch. "It totally sucks, Ted," he said, his thick Bawston accent showing. "The other night I was in bed reading, with Sarah next to me, and suddenly I felt a pair of hands around my neck giving me a strong neck massage. I thought it was Sarah at first, until I looked over and saw she was totally asleep. I turned around and it was her father, saying 'How's about a little something different?'"

"Eek!" I said. I knew Sister Sarah's father. It wasn't a pretty sight. "Well, maybe he was just teasing."

"The man's nuts, Ted," said Bryan, looking grim. "But with remarkably soft hands! Did you know he makes his dog a hamburger patty each and every night? Each and every night! He insists on hand crafting each burger, and he goes to the supermarket and makes sure he buys only the most expensive burger meat he can find, because his dog Sasha only wants the best. Every night, Ted, he hand rolls a burger and then sssssst! Places it on the frying pan. Nuts!"

"How is your dog doing?" I asked. Bryan shrugged. "It must have been tough giving up your cats, though. At least they're in a good home."

"We donated them to a really nice lesbian," said Sister Sarah, always the optimist. "Well, she didn't keep them, but she found them a nice home. They're staying with her ex-girlfriend. Who she also still has sex with, sometimes!"

I nodded in admiration and bit into a ham sandwich. "You sure learned a lot about this woman, didn't you?"

"That's not the half of it," said Bryan. "They're not only lesbians. They're paranormal investigators who just happen to be lesbians!"

I took this one in as I savored the taste of ham in my mouth. Suddenly, I was struck with a vision. "I think you've got the makings of a TV series there! Lesbian paranormal investigators, eh? What a great reality show on Discovery that would be." A stroke. Of genius! "They could call themselves L.I.P.S.!"

"Lesbian Investigators of Paranormal Stuff!" said Bryan, nodding his head in appreciation. "I'd watch it."

"They can visit these homes that have had paranormal activity, see, and investigate what's up and whether the house is actually haunted or not. It'd be just like Ghost Adventures, only at the end of each episode, the ladies would go up to the owner of the house, snap their fingers and say, 'You've been serviced by L.I.P.S.!"

"Serviced by L.I.P.S.," said Bryan, and sunk his mouth into a creamy tuna fish sandwich.

"What a great catch phrase," said Sarah, placing her lips around one of the succulant oysters that rested on the plate before her, and making a noisy sucking sound.

"I tell you, you might want to pass the idea by them," I said. "What crazy adventures will the girls from L.I.P.S. get into this week? From squirting ectoplasm to clammy apparitions, once you put these L.I.P.S. on your case, they won't let up until the case is cracked."

"Maybe there could be a spin-off, too?" asked Bryan. "About a couple of gay investigators? Something like, The Men from S.U.C.K.?"

"But would S.U.C.K. stand for?" Sarah asked, wiping her face clean.

Hmm, good question. What would S.U.C.K. stand for? Any ideas?
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