Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

The knot.

1) Ugly
2) No talent
3) Wasted talent
4) Fat

I looked down at the cards she had handed me. "So this is a list of all the cons in your life?"

She nodded. "There are four cards full. Made a list of the good things about my life, too. There are two things on it. Eating food and writing about hot fictional guys. And the first one only makes you fat, and the second one only gets me angry because I'm not hot enough to get any real guys."

I had seen it coming, on the way home from rehearsal. I had asked Ashes to go with me, thinking it would be a change of pace from sitting at home recovering from her wisdom teeth surgery. She had been fine at rehearsal, it seemed, but then when we were alone, she started in on the leading actress, whom she never liked, and suddenly it's had digressed to how she resented the fact that I had spent so many years directing plays and hadn't spent enough time forcing her to try out for plays or signing her up for gymnastics or dance or voice or acting lessons. It was my fault that she had nothing to live for in her life.

"Is that what you really think." I asked. "Even though you were accepted into four colleges, you have nothing to live for?" 

"They're not very good colleges," she said. 

"You always do that! You always get excited at first, and then you talk yourself into why something good is actually bad. You can never accept anything good in your life."

"That's because there is nothing good in my life," she said, throwing the blanket on her bed over her head and sticking her thumb in her mouth. "There's never going to be anything good in my life. That's just the way my life is."

"You can't think like that! If you think that your life's never going to be happy, then you'll get exactly what you wish for." I paused. "I think you're depressed, hun."

"I get this way every night," she said from under the blankets. "I spent all day Sunday crying."

I'm at my wits end. What can I do for this kid? I feel so hopeless. I know she should go to a doctor, but she says if I force her, she won't talk to him. She has few friends, she doesn't know how to drive yet, she has stopped using the computer or her cell phone. She could be a terrific kid, but she has absolutely no faith in herself and she's painfully shy. Where does his lead? Sometimes I get so scared thinking about her future that it's hard to breathe.

I had to leave her. She said I was helping, I was only making things worse. I know she's scared and overwhelmed about going back to school tomorrow and all the schoolwork she's missed, but what can I do to help? 

I left her in her room, sucking her thumb and clutching her cards like a badge of honor. How I can I solve this? It feels impossible.
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