Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

15 Easy Steps to Delicious Pork Chops

Not having a wallet has made it very difficult to survive. I can't wait until my credit cards finally arrive in the mail. This past week, I have totally lived off the kindness of Corb...oh, and twenty dollars, kicked in from Josie, too.

Take last night, for example. Around five, Corb called me at work, to remind me that he was working until seven. "That's a problem," I frowned. "I don't have any money for dinner."

"Make the pork chops in the fridge," he said.

"You expect me to actually cook?" I replied, aghast. "Good god, man! I can microwave things in little plastic bowls, but I do know nothing about cooking no porkies!"

Oh. Well, maybe I didn't say THAT, exactly. But I did saying something similar...just not so Prissy...

"Don't worry," said Corb, amused. "I'll email you direction on how to make pork chops."

"Please make it idiot proof, would you?"

"Will do."

Corb's a man of his word. Here's the recipe he gave me, which he called "15 Easy Steps to Delicious Pork Chops":

1. Approach oven
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
3. Take out aluminum foil
4. Place foil on a pan or sheet
5. Place pork chops on top of foil lining the pan or sheet
6. Generously season pork chops with garlic salt
7. Place in oven for 45-50 minutes
8. Remove from oven when the pork chops are white in color
9. Place on plate
10. Get utensils (fork and knife)
11. Cut into chewable pieces
12. Place in mouth by using the fork
13. Chew 20 times or until soft enough to swallow without pain
14. Swallow
15. Digest

"I'm only thankful he stopped at 15," I told my friend David on the way out of work. "I can only imagine what number sixteen would have been."

David looked over my list. "You know, if you want to add a little zing to your pork chops, it's easy. Just pour cream of celery soup over the pork chops and let it bake in."


"Yep," he said. "And you could even add some stuffing inside the porkchops, too. Really suprise him."

There I was, getting advice from my Jewish friend David on how to make pork chops. Is that kosher? Still, I have to admit, I followed his advice...well, and Corb's too...and they did turn out pretty nicely. Even Ashes, who was grumbling about pork chops at first, ended up admitting they were pretty good.

Perhaps this experience is removing that one final barrier that was created by my grandmother when I was a child: real men don't need to learn to cook. Or do laundry, for that matter. Of course, they do, but Nana insisted that menfolk didn't need to bother to learn, since they'd have a wife to do that sort of thing. Me Tarzan, you Domestic Goddess.

It's a creed my dad stuck to all his life, but it's one I quickly ditched the first day I moved in with Josie, when she went to do the laundry and used bleach on all of my clothes. After that day, I quickly learned how to do laundry, myself.

Cooking, on the other hand, has always been a mystery. I've been blessed with having great cooks nearby all my life--first my mom and grandmother, then Josie, and for the past six years, Corb. Even when I spent that one year on my own, I still pretty much specialized in hot dog casserole and chicken nuggets.

Maybe this experience has taught me that cooking isn't as scary as I always think it is, though. Maybe I can actually overcome this fear. I don't know, anything's possible.

At least, as long as I always have 15 easy steps. Maybe Corb needs to do a cookbook...
Tags: corb
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