For some reason, I keep getting emails from some guy who wants me to know that "a wife in your area is seeking a discreet relationship!"
Well, it's awfully nice that he's telling me this, but what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Unless she's looking for someone to gossip with, I'm not sure I'm going to be of much use to her.
And also, I'm not quite sure why she's so hung up on having a relationship that's discreet. I guess, maybe, she has something she just has to keep secret, and is having a devil of a time doing so. She's just going to explode if she doesn't tell someone else.
But frankly, if she is looking to gossip about something, then she really shouldn't be talking to me. I have such a big mouth and all. The minute she told me something really good, out'd come. I'd probably tell Corb, right away. Then I'd post it here, and that wouldn't be very discreet at all.
I think what she really needs is a good mime.
No, not a good time, you twat...a good MIME!
Well, maybe she is looking for a good time...you think that's what the email was really trying to say? Nahhhhh, it can't be...who would have someone send an email telling people they were looking for something like THAT?
And really, how discreet are most relationships, anyways? Even secret lovers...hell, even secret agent men...all of the relationships that each and every one of us engage in are rife with leaks and breeches of confidence. It's the nature of being human. We're social creatures. We talk. We spill the beans. We confide.
No, I'm convinced, if this woman really and truly craves a discreet relationship, then what she really needs, more than anything in the world, is...a mime. Someone that this discreet housewife can open up to and spill all her secrets to. And won't spill back, if you know what I mean.
I can see her now, inviting the mime to take an imaginary chair. "Oh my God! My husband was SOOOOO annoying this morning," she'll say. "I mean, he had the nerve to say to me that my face could launch a thousand ships...and sink every of them! Can you believe him? Hah! Well, I got him back. I gave him the old how'd you like it! I gave him his Cheerios from a bowl that the cat drank out of, and he was none the wiser, let me tell you!"
And the mime would just sit there, and nod, and find himself trapped in an imaginary box.
Still, this guy seems awfully desperate to have someone help this discreet wife out. You think it's her husband?
The only thing I can think to do is to let other people know that she's looking for a discreet relationship. So, there you go. She's a wife. She's discreet. And, she's in my area. Any mimes out there looking to fulfill her every need? Give her a call.
A call. HA! A mime giving her a call. I tell you, I kill myself...
In other news, I received a rather nice gift from Josie yesterday: $350. Her share of the last thing we need to take care of to make the divorce final.
It's been a long time coming, for both of us. But this morning, I took the last letter from our divorce attorney off the shelf and typed up a letter to her, with a check for the full amount enclosed. "As you can tell, it takes us a while to come up with large sums of money," I wrote. "So hopefully, this will be the last..."
Finally, in order to prove that there's a reason why I only write novels whose main characters are always 17-year-old girls, I have to confess that my current favorite album...the one that I find myself playing constantly...the one that I sing in the shower to...is Kelly Clarkson's return-from-the-brink-of-Prozac CD "All I Ever Wanted."
I'm serious. I loved "My Life Would Suck without You" from the start, and there are a lot of other great songs on the album, too.
What I've been particularly fascinated with are the two songs that were written by Katy Perry for a CD that never came out. Both of the songs are terrific, and in fact, one of them, "I Do Not Hook Up" is her next single...although the Corbster much prefers the other song, "Long Shot."
What fascinated me was how much Kelly Clarkson sounds like Katy Perry on the songs. I almost think it is Katy Perry, at times.
That is, until I did some searching and actually heard the originals. And I realized, that as good a songwriter as Katy Perry is, Kelly Clarkson is a much, much better singer.
Compare for yourself. Here's Kelly Clarkson's version of "I Do Not Hook Up":
And here's Katy Perry's...by the way, note that hers goes by the far more provacative title "Hook Up"...which kind of reminds me of Pat Benatar's "(Stop Using) Sex as a Weapon," in that, on the single, the words "stop using" were conspicuously absent.
Both are good...but notice how Katy doesn't go into the upper registers on "with a snap of your fingertips" (because she cahn't, Blanche). On the other hand, Katy's is much harder edged...almost punk, even though the subject is anything but punk. Kelly's version is much tastier, if you ask me.
Even more dramatic is the comparison between the KC version of "Long Shot" versus the KP version. KP's original version of the song would fit perfectly in the early eighties, around the time of the first wave of New Wave...but again, it's the only way she can really play it, because she clearly has trouble hitting the high notes in the song.
KC, who has a phenomenal register, doesn't have to worry about that at all, which makes her far less constrained. As a result, her take on the song is more lush, more late eighties. Something, say, with a Bon Jovi "Slippery When Wet" flavor to it. It's a better cover, by far.
Even so, the Katy Perry video is a hoot to watch.