"Thank you for checking into our 'gayhab' facility, Mr. Washington. We're all very big fans."
"Why, thanks! I have to say, this is a mighty impressive facility. Mighty impressive! But do you really think you'll be able to make me stop saying the..." (whispers) "The F word?"
"Oh, we guarantee it, sir! Our twelve step program is designed to get you to overcome all of your hostility and aggression toward gay people, and start you right on the road to embracing, and, dare I say, even loving, your inner homosexual!"
"Oh, yes! Here at the Paul Lynde Facility for the Violently Homophobic, we'll help you to bring out, and embrace, your inner gay. Everyone has one, you know. Even Dick Cheney! In fact, we like to think that there's a little gay man inside each and every one of us!"
"WHAT? Hmmm...listen, I don't know about this...little gay man...Jesus...hold on, just a minute, will you?" (Sound of cell phone being dialed) "Hey, Swifty, listen, I don't know if I can go through with...what's that? Termination clause? They can do what? (Groan)...oh, okay..." (Hangs up phone) "Sorry about that. Okay, let's get through with it, okay? Get me the hell onto step one so I can get the hell out of here."
"Cue the Streisand music..."
("Kiss Me in the Rain" is heard in the background.)
"Well...hmmm...this isn't THAT bad..."
*chuckle* "Very good, sir! Okay, next thing I need you to do, Mr. Washington, is to get out of those jeans and into these assless chaps!"
"What? Assless? Those look awfully tight..."
"Oh. Well, if you insist." (Sound of zipper being pulled down.)
"Mr. Washington! May I commend you for the size and girth of your endowment?"
"What did you just say, you little fah--" (Pause.) "Why, thank you. I made it myself! So. How do I look?"
"Wonderful! Fabulous! Okay, now on to Step Three. I'd like you to place this large stinky hot dog in your mouth."
"In order to embrace your inner homosexual, and find peace with yourself, you need to experience life like your inner homosexual. Now, I know it's kind of...kooky...but really, I think you'll get to like it after a while. And, it's not as if it's a real schlong or anything, right?"
"Well...that's true, but..."
"And you'll only need to keep it in that mouth of yours for one hour. At a time. OPEN WIDE!"
(Sound of gagging) "How far back are you going to place that weiner?"
"Not as far as I'd like! Okay, now let me just get the tartar sauce out, which I'm going to smear all around your mouth..."
"Mr. Washington! Sit down! This is necessary preparation to get you to advance to the very important next steps. Relax! We haven't even begun to shave your ballsack yet...Rudy, can you get me the Penetrator, please?"
It is at this point that the sound of a scuffle was heard, accompanied by much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the cries of "Not the face! Not the face!" It is unclear at this time whether additional charges will be filed against the Grey's Anatomy star...