Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

The Wood of the Lord

I don't often do this, but I really have to thank the Republicans, basically all Republicans, for providing one of the most entertaining political seasons that I can ever recall.

Everyone really stepped up to do their part. Sex (Mark Foley), drugs (Ted Haggert), corruption (I don't have enough time to type the names of everyone whose under investigation or been forced to resign), lies (anything Karl Rove) violence (a botched war in Iraq)...the list is endless!

My favorite Republican scandal has to be the latest one. Proving once again that the Republicans don't believe in any separation between church and state, we get the religious right's answer to Mark Foley...ladies and gentlemen, introducing a man who has weekly telephone calls with the President, Reverend Ted Haggard!

What an entertaining story this has been! I tell you, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next revelation. My favorite so far has to be the story that appeared yesterday afternoon:

"The Rev. Ted Haggard said Friday he bought methamphetamine and received a massage from a male prostitute. But the influential Christian evangelist insisted he threw the drugs away and never had sex with the man."

Oh, okay. So, the day before, you deny ever knowing the man who came forth with this story--in fact, Rev. Haggard, you even denied "ever having known any gay people." But, when faced with tape recordings of your calls to the male prostitute in question, you now claim that...oh, you know what? Darnit, it just slipped my mind. I did buy drugs, and also, had a massage.

And we're supposed to believe that you didn't use the drugs and didn't have sex? Because, of course, you've been so totally up front and honest all along.

Doesn't this sound just a little bit like "I didn't inhale" and "I never had sex with that woman"? But of course, Clinton never pretended that he was a saint, and never, to the best of my knowledge, tried to ram through (oops, wrong choice of words there, Rev) legislation banning blow jobs or pot. Reverend Haggard, on the other hand, has made it a crusade to ban gay marriage...apparently so that all gay men can live in the closet, the Haggard way.

According to the news story yesterday, Haggard said that he received a massage from Jones after being referred to him by a Denver hotel, and that he bought meth for himself from the man.

Hmmm...okay...well, I did do some checking on this, with Corb, who works in the hotel industry. And he assured me that, in the rare instances where he's had guests ask him to provide the name of a good masseuse, he's never consulted local gay publications or websites to drum up the name of a male escort. Unless, of course, the person asking was a Catholic priest.

But help me connect the dots here. So, you're in this Denver hotel, and get the name of this "masseuse," and what, you go to visit this guy? And you don't realize, at that point, that he's a gay male escort? La, la, la. And then, what, you're there, trading small talk?

"Why don't you just take off your shirt there, preacher man, and I'll get to work on massaging your big evangelical shoulders."

"Hmm. That sounds mighty fine., nice place you've got here."

"Oh, thanks. Do you like my velvet picture of Chi Chi LaRue?"

"Yes, um. It's, um...what is it your kind says? Fabulous."

"You know, you might have to take off that Bible belt, too, you big, tall, hunk of burning word of the Lord, man, you...hmmm, I need to offer you some soothing ointments..."

"Well, okay. Just don't look at my Old Testament boxers, okay!"

"Okay..." (The squirting sound of warm soothing ointment is heard, being applied to Haggert's back.)

"Hmmmmm...*giggle*...this feels sort of...naughty..."

"Does it?"

(The sound of a zipper being undone is heard.)

"I thought you were wearing Old Testament boxers."

"Ooops! I threw on my shorts with the 'Wood of the Lord' imprint on the crotch."

"Mmmmm...I'll say..."

"If my flock could see me now! You know, I was just preaching against the sins of your kind, the other day, in Bible camp."

"Were you?" (A hand goes in someone's boxers, and we hear a moan.) "Good Lord!"

"It's just a cross I have to bear...hey! Do you have any crystal meth, by any chance?"

As his partner in evil, James Dobson, said yesterday, "We ask that Christians everywhere pray for Ted..." wait. Did he mean, me? Why, thanks, Dobbie!
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