Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

One of the newsletters that we subscribe to in my department is called "FIRSTdraft: Ready-to-go stories for busy editors." You know, it's content that you can drop into a newsletter or magazine in the event that your looking to fill some white space.

I think that I've used all of one of these pieces in the five years that I've been editing my publication, and at that, it was a truncated sidebar. But I do enjoy reading the pieces, mostly in the bathroom. Typically, the information is something grabbed from the web that offers laughably obvious information. You know, stuff like:

Ideas for Breathing
Do you like to breathe? Most of us do, although some of us may find it more difficult than others (particularly if you're dead). Here are a few tips to get the most out of breathing:
--Open your mouth
--Suck in some air
--Once you're done, exhale
--Whatever you do, don't let any flies get in!

...or this...

How to Take a Crap
There's an old saying that it takes a good man to take a good crap. But actually, women and even children have been known to take good craps, too. Studies show that taking a crap can result in a greater feeling of relaxation and reduce the likelihood that you'll die of some painful digestive disorder...and reduce the chance that you're walking around looking as though you have a load in your pants.

Here are some suggestions on how you can make crapping a part of your daily routine:
--Identify the nearest restroom in your area
--Enter that restroom. Figure out if there's an empty stall. If you see feet underneath the door, that's usually a good sign that the stall's being used (unless there's a dead body in it!)
--Make sure you stock up on plenty of useful toilet paper! To be on the safe side, consider carrying a roll in your pockets at all times.
--Sit on the toilet. While you're sitting, to pass the time, you might want to play some fun games, like sink the ship, or who can fart the loudest.
--Don't forget to wash your hands and flush! To save valuable time, consider sticking your hands into the toilet before you flush. That way you can kill two birds with one stone!

Okay, okay, maybe I made those up. But I did find an article that I found funny today, as I was reading the latest edition of FIRSTdraft in my local restroom. While I was cleaning my hands by sticking them into the toilet before flushing, I noticed the following article:

Inexpensive entertainment ideas for the family.
Here are a few ideas for affordable family fun:
--Rent a video.
--Go to a discount theater.
--Check your area for free days at museum and zoos.
--Go to a university play production.
--Go on a picnic.

I mean, how absurd. THOSE are the suggestions? Do they know how much it costs to rent a video these days, with late fees and everything? Are they aware of the social diseases you can contract from sitting in a discount theater? Even with a free day at a museum or zoo, you usually have to walk through a gift shop! And what's so cheap about paying $20 a head to see a university play production? And what's the content going to be: Am I going to take my kids to see a fun-filled evening of an absurdist black box production? Yeah, that'll go over big.

As a public service, I offer the following useful alternatives:
Inexpensive entertainment ideas for the family.
Here are a few ideas for affordable family fun:
--Teach your kids to grow mold with just a few slices of bread.
--Make a game out of breaking into your neighbor's home. It's tingly good fun, and it's profitable!
--Who needs costly animals such as doggies and cats? They just require expensive things like food. Make the family pet head lice, instead!
--Try putting together inexpensive family activities, such as "Why did you turn out to be such a loser?" and "Name the top five ways mom and dad screwed me up." You're guaranteed a memorable evening in the relative safety of your own home!
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