Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

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I always seem to read things at the point that I really need them

And the past week or so I've been noticing a sort of mental "boiling point," if you will. A feeling of information overload, a lack of clarity, an inability to focus. The last time I felt this was last year, right about the time that I was about to tell Pauline (the first person I consciously) the truth, but that kept being put off for months and months, for a variety of reasons--schedules, courage, or we'd just get interrupted. And right before it actually happened, I felt internally terribly bunched, which resulted in the terrible fight I had with Anne that essentially severed our relationship.

I've noticed similarities between that period of time and now, where we're so close to separating, but in some ways, it feels more and more impossible. I keep having self doubts: Is this the right thing? Is this what I want? Is this what Josie wants? Is it possible? Ah, it's not possible, there's no way that we can financially swing it. What about the kids? How will they react? Oh, they'll react terribly, etc., etc.

But perhaps I've been looking at things the wrong way. Instead of focusing on all the "nots" (and getting knotted up in the process), I need to focus on the possibilities. Because if I look back on this past year, I can see negative experiences (if I choose to see them as negative), but I can also see a number of positives, that suggest positive outcomes.

It is possible for us to make this change. We will be able to swing it. Josie has come an incredible way in moderating her expenses, to the point where I now need to keep up with her! It is possible for us to remain close, for us to recreate our relationship. And it is possible for the kids to come out unscathed, and for me to play the same role that I've always played in their lives.

Everything comes into your life for a reason. My life has shown me that. If I look back on my life I can see it as a series of coincidences that actually aren't coincidences at all. There is a reason that things have progressed the way that they have. I just need to embrace the changes as they occur, and not fight against them.

And there need be no eruption to get to the next level. No "Big Bang." Last year, for example...what was the outcome? Pauline knows, she accepts. And it allowed me to share things wityh many, many other people. And be accepted. And what happened to Anne? My work last year was perceived as more valuable than hers, despite her efforts to tear me down, and she quit the department, angry and bitter. So was my eruption necessary? Not in the least.
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