Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria
tedwords

Comfortable

It happened twice today. As I was driving with Josie in Goldmember (which is now her official car--a solid gold pimpmobile convertible that is so much fun). And also, as I was driving home from work, right after I passed by Steven's house, and realized, with a start, that I hardly ever even think about him and more.

What happened? The realization that I feel whole, for the first time in my life. I feel complete. I don't have that aching sadness.

Going to the bar last night. That was a big step. And essentially I just sat back and checked out the atmosphere. I did interact with one guy who read my palm. I don't know if he had been fed by someone, but some of his answers were pretty scary. He stated that I wrote novels. He mentioned that he saw someone in my life named Lisa. The only thing he said that was weird involved an agent. He said that the agent I'm corresponding with is being directed by someone named Mark, and she wasn't in New York or New Jersey, but New...something or other. I have no idea what he meant by that.

There was another flirtation with some guy and a drag queen, but that really was it. I was just enjoying sitting back and taking everything in. Enjoying the show. Watching people dance, touch, interact.

And perhaps it's just the start of spring. But I feel renewed today. I feel whole.

I left work at five, because I realize I don't want to be a slave to my job. I want to live a real life, I don't just want to be the PR slave to Snoopy. No no no.

I don't know where the future will take me. And I do have other mountains to climb. I need to keep working on my self confidence. I have to stop being scared of certain people, people I fear are smarter than me, so that this nervousness renders me tongue tied. I shouldn't be scared of this. It's all in my head.

But these are the next steps toward fulfillment.
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