I do feel a sense of renewal at this time, and that certainly is the case right now, although this time around, there are also a number of other feelings mixed in. Apprehension. Nervousness about the future.
I received my bonus money this week, which was used to pay off a ton of debt. When our tax money comes in, that will be used to look into getting Josie a better car. Last night, we started to tentatively discuss next steps after that.
Such as, where will I live? Mary Beth recently made an offer on a house and is moving out of her apartment. Her place is fairly nice and, from what she says, pretty inexpensive. But it's in Attleboro. I'm sort of hoping to move closer towards Providence.
When I lie down and try to nurture a vision for where I want to be in a year, it's somewhat unclear. I want to be over my this house--by then, my former house--constantly, I know that. I want that to be a comfortable thing, a given. I don't want to be a Saturday father, driving in every other week, to dutifully see his kids for twelve hours and then be done with it.
But after that. Where? With whom? With Peter? I'm so bad with Peter. I don't call. I do email every now and then. Thank God he's so busy. But is he seeing other people? I don't know. He can be a bit cryptic. Which may mean that he is, in fact.
Today I shall visit my grandmother and write in the park. No big bold vision as yet, but tiny steps away from this winter squall that I call my life.