This is the first spring show I haven't been involved with in nine years. For seven of the last nine I've directed. For the two years I wasn't directing, I handled publicity and called the show. But this year I made it clear: I wasn't directing, doing publicity, or calling the show. Last year's show was my last show.
I told my friend Judee, who is the artistic director, I would feel a twinge of jealousy when things started up. Sure enough, I was right. Seeing people post things on Facebook about auditions or meeting up with old friends at the local Stop and Grab (the local supermarket seems to be the place where I do all my socializing.) There's a part of me that wishes I was the one doing the casting, or trading small talk with Pastor Tom at the old church where they do their rehearsing. They are nice people and I enjoyed all the shows I was involved with.
That's just part of the story, however. The bigger part of the story is that I am awfully happy to be doing something different this year. Feeling those twinges of jealously is nothing compared to feeling the relief I have over not having to prepare for the auditions, or map out the rehearsal schedule, or spend late nights doing the blocking. The truth is, I was tired and kind of bored with the whole routine. It was time to shake things up, and I am glad that I put an end to that chapter of my life.
Another part of me, however, is anxious to jump into the next chapter. I have been writing away (although not on Live Journal, which bothers me a little,) but there are other parts of the chapter that need to come into focus, like: finding a bigger place to live for us. I want that bigger place so badly. I can see myself in that home with a den, with my manuscripts lined up neatly in a row, with my shelves full of old fashioned books. Yes, one can write practically anywhere, in this day and age, but that's where I wish to write.
As much as I am enjoying my time away, I am determined to see the show when it goes up, and to speak positively of it, too. To be critical would to be petty, I think, and amount to trying to kill something just because I am not a part of it. I wanted this time away, and my wish has been granted. Now I must be positive and supportive from a distance, so that the group can continue to grow and thrive, even if it no longer feeds my ego. It makes other people happy, people that I really like. I need to support them, which is the only thing I can do to make the transition complete.