Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria
tedwords

Talking Tomes with Ted

Today's book: Definitely Dead, by Charlaine Harris

I like the Sookie Stackhouse series because it's dumb fun reading. As has often been commented, once you start reading, you can simply check your brain out and go for the ride. In some ways, I like it better than the TV series, because it's not quite as extreme, and also, there's kind of a light soap operatic feel to the whole thing that never fails to hook me.

This was one of the better entries, too, because Ms. Harris actually had a few plots twists that she spent time building up. This isn't something she's done very well in the past, so it was a nice surprise.

However, the biggest reason I enjoy this series involves the ridiculous sex scenes. I'm a big fan of outrageous, badly written sex scenes, ever since I first read Princess Daisy when I was twelve years old. And Charlaine Harris writes TERRIBLE sex scenes--when my 18 year old tried to read the first book in the series, she threw it across the room at the point where Sookie's grandmother dies and next scene, Bill deflowers Sookie in grannie's bed. Talk about not waiting until the body's buried!

I've read elsewhere that it appears that Ms. Harris has never had sex with a man from the way she writes sex scenes. Since she's had children, I doubt that's true, but what is evident is that she has no earthly idea how men think.def_dead

My favorite example of this occurs in this book, in the one real sex scene, involving Sookie and her new beau Quinn. Quinn and Sookie are dry humping on the kitchen counter, and she is massaging his impressive member through his jeans. He "convulses" after saying "oh God" twice, and he utters a truly classy line:

"Babe, I haven't come like that since I was seventeen, in the backseat of my dad's car with Ellie Hopper."

Let's set aside the host of grammatical questions raised by that statement. Did he cum in buckets? Is that the first time a woman had massaged his organ to climax while wearing jeans since he'd been seventeen? For that matter, why did his dad own a car with Ellie Hopper? And more to the point, why does Quinn feel the need to point out this dual car ownership situation to Sookie?

No, instead, let's focus on what happens next. After Quinn's huge ejaculation in his tight jeans, our intrepid couple hug each other closely until Sookie picks up a presence downstairs. Then, two Weres burst in, and the two spend the next 50 pages being bound and gagged and chased through the Louisiana swamps.

What this essentially means is that, until poor Quinn throws off his clothes and turns into a tiger toward the end of the swamp scene, he's basically sitting around with a huge pile of drying ejaculatory matter in his pants for 50 pages.

Honestly, that's all I could think about for most of the rest of book. Talk about leaving a bad taste in my mouth!

Ladies, do you have any idea how uncomfortable that would be? It's not fun...it feels gross and sticky after it happens, and once it starts drying, it creates a whole new mess of problems. Couldn't Ms. Harris have done us all a favor and just had Quinn go the bathroom to clean up after the dry humping is over? But of course, she wouldn't consider that, because she doesn't know what it's like...had Quinn "expressed himself" all over Sookie, you can bet she would have written in a trip to the loo!

I have no idea what the rest of the series has on store, but I'm not sure how Ms. Harris can top this howler of a bad sex scene. I have no doubt, however, that she will no doubt try her best.

Tags: books
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