Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria
tedwords

This I know

In reading through what I wrote last evening, I realize that I may have misrepresented things just a bit. First and foremost, however, I must say this: it was horrible to watch someone that you love going through something like that. It was probably worse than the first incident, because in that case, I wasn't actually at the club. All I had to do was tuck her in bed and keep an frantic vigil all night long. Last night was worse, because I saw first-hand the spiral and crash, heard the things she was saying, watched the look on her face.

But there were things I learned last night, first and foremost:

* I can't take on responsibility for what occurred. It's my nature to want to, but it's not fair to me, and implies that Josie is without free will for her actions. Josie made the decisions that she made. Now, should I have exercised better judgment in assessing her condition before the second drink (actually third, because she drank most of mine)? Absolutely. But I can't take ownership for what occurred. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, I don't mean it to, but...it's not mine to own. It just isn't.
* I am stronger than I've ever given myself credit for. I never realized this before, but I feel it happening, day by day. When I look at the people around me, I realize a) I'm getting my shit together and b) I'm a pretty lucky guy, all things considered. I have a wonderful girl who's my life-long best friend, three wonderful kids, a steady date who's very cute and very smart, two agents interested in my novel, I make pretty good money and get to travel, and I still look damn good in a black shirt and jeans (at least, when they're not puked on).
* I really like going to clubs. I like flirting, I like the eye candy, I like laughing, I like having a few drinks and smoking a few smokes, and if I could just stare people in the eye more, it'd be a lot more fun. And I especially like that I don't have to give a fuck about picking anyone up. I can just enjoy myself.
* I am growing comfortable in my own skin. And I don't really care much any more what people thing of me. Make your judgments, there's nothing I can do about that.
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