I was worried about how she would receive it. Besides my friend Chris, and Josie, of course, no one in the "real" world has read anything. I guess I was afraid that I might be judged, and so I was really pleased to receive the following:
"I am enjoying your journal very much, BTW. If you were nervous about me reading, it, please don't worry. Your honesty and
bravery are an inspiration to me."
But I'm thinking--ME? Brave? Perhaps honest, but brave? I mean, I would think people would get annoyed reading some of these entries! So I wrote back:
"Are you serious? An inspiration? Funny, I've never
looked at it like that. But thank you! That really
is the real me in there--someone for years I thought I
had lost. Could you tell me why you find it inspirational,
To which she replied:
"Guess what: the people on live journal aren't the only ones who love you for who you really are. I will enjoy getting to know the "real you"...
I don't know if you remember this, but there was one night on your
deck last summer when I said something about people not being "real." To tell you the truth, I had no idea until that very moment that that was what I was actually feeling. I had a vague feeling that there were things being hidden but I didn't know for sure. Now I know that my feeling was right, even if I didn't know the particulars of that feeling.
Now I know that I will finally know the real you. For a long time while I've had this feeling, I thought that you wanted to push me away, that you no longer wanted me in your life for some reason, and I didn't know what that reason was. Perhaps there is still a lingering feeling there, but the more we get to know each other and be honest with each other, the easier it will be to tear down that wall in our friendship.
You are right about the people on live journal; most of them are very supportive and if they're not all lying, they are all real. I guess this "real" thing is big with me lately. What I like is that you get such a sense of freedom in having a group of individuals validating what you say. That is exactly what I need in my life. I can't expect people to be real with me unless I can become real to myself and to them.
You are an inspiration because you are confronting your fear and
taking steps to become the person who you were always meant to be.
re your situation: it would be tough to answer that in a brief email. There are so many factors. Let me say this though: having read what you've been going through, it makes me love you and Lisa even more. I know you were probably thinking that I would be condemning. How could anyone not love these two wonderful people who are trying so hard to make the best of an extremely difficult situation? Just from reading the entries, I see more love between you two than I have ever felt in my life."
Anyway, it made me realize how true a friend this person has been all my life, and also made me feel good that I had opened up and shared LJ with her.
But why is it that I (at least) can share things on LJ that I wouldn't say in real life? And some of the friendships that I've developed--there are certain people I've told stuff to that I have never told anyone else! Sometimes that makes it worth the addiction!