I am Anthony's weiner. Gaze upon me and despair.
Here I am, for all the world to see, captured like a fly in amber, shown in all my glory, in my native jungle habitat, struggling to break free from my tight cotton-knit enclosure, poking around like a stick trying to bust open a pinata.
Want to know a secret?
I didn't really ask to be paraded around for all the world to see. I was perfectly happy, if you want to know the truth, just letting Anthony talk to a pretty lady while I dangled salaciously between his legs.
Oh, I was asking for some attention, that's true. Some tender loving care. Some movement of the man meat. I'll admit that one, sure. But really, I was looking more for a visit from "I am Anthony's hand" than anything else. I mean, it was late, you know? Can you blame a guy for wanting a little happy ending?
Yell at the brain. Honestly! That damn brain's the genius that decided it'd be fun to get me to stand up and bobble around on camera. Say cheese! Stupid brain. Seriously, I didn't ask for it, not one bit! And even I wanted to, I can't talk. No vocal cords down there, you know!
Not that I mind the exposure. I mean, what self-respecting penis would? Hey, maybe I'm not the biggest act in town, but I can hold my own. I've seen other ones in he locker room.
I mean, I guess. Right? You'd say I could hold my own, right? Come on, just tell me that. I mean, I know I'm not related to Ron Jeremy or anything, but even so...
What's that? Tiny? You called me...tiny? Well, *sputter*...screw you! I dare you to come over here and say that. I'd spit in your face, I would. All over your face. That'd show you!
Ah, you'll forget about me. You will! I'm just a four to six inch pocket rocket of sunshine, here to brighten your day for a day or two. Just the latest in an endless string of political dicks, spanning both sides of the political aisle, from Bill Clinton to Larry Craig. I may be the latest, but I'm not the last. Although I am the first to be seen on Twitter. Maybe that counts for something.
But let's be honest, for just a minute.
You know who really should have spent MORE time on Twitter? Anthony's chest and abs.
Now THERE's something worth talking about...