"Oh my God..."
"Look at that!"
"I am, I am."
Corb and I are sitting in Corb's car, stopped at a traffic light, taking in the sight of the monster vehicle that looms in front of us. After a few minutes of utter speechlessness, we look over at each other, and at the same time say, "Have you EVER seen anything so fucking stupid?"
"Why do some guys think that's so cool?" Corb asks. "I'd be embarrassed to be seen in that idiotic thing."
"It's like someone welded the frame of a black pick-up truck onto a flatbed trailer," I say. "The two pieces don't even look like they belong together."
"And all those bumper stickers on the back..."
"I think mister mister here has a tiny little penis and is trying to compensate a little..."
"Hop onto my monster truck, baby. It makes up for my not-so-monster..."
"It's like that episode of South Park," I smile. "You know, the one where the bikers are driving around making as much noise as they can because they want everyone to pay attention to them? Just like sixteen year old girls? I think monster truck drivers are like that, too."
Corb shakes his head. "So stupid looking."
"It really is worse than anything a gay guy could come up with. Way gayer. If I had to choose between a Celine Dion show and a monster truck in terms of gayability, I'd pick the monster truck."
"If I had to choose between Perez Hilton shooting a rainbow out of his butt and a monster truck, I'd pick the monster truck."
"Assless leather chaps on Lisa Minelli and a monster truck? No contest. Hands down. Done deal. Monster truck."
"A pink float with five drag queens on it at a gay pride event in Provincetown versus a monster truck?"
"Decoupage and jean cut shorts?"
"Sissy bars and pink go-go boots?"
Not. Even. Close.
"I'm starting to ovulate, just sitting her looking at this monster truck for so long," says Corb.
"Quick, quick!" The turns green, and the monster truck starts to turn the corner and speed away. I punch Corb in the arm. "Quick, Take a photo!"
And here's a story with photo, for all the world to see. I guess when you get down to it, there's an attention-craving sixteen year old girl inside all of us, right?