Yesterday I read on National Public Radio that in Tallahassee today, Florida Governor Charlie Crist will meet with other members of the state's clemency board to consider pardoning Jim Morrison for his indecent exposure charge in 1969. Which of course begs the question: when in the hell is everyone going to leave Jim Morrison's poor schlong alone?
I mean, really. I'm sure it was a nice schlong, but does it really warrant this much attention, 40 years later?
It also begs the question: don't Charlie Crist and the folks in Florida have more important things to think about? I mean, really? Serious unemployment, the remains of the housing crisis, etc. And they're actually convening a special judicial session to discuss a dead man's decomposing tallywacker?
It just seems...well, kind of silly.
I mean, I think I kind of get it. Charlie Crist was born in 1956, so he would have been the perfect age for the full flower of Morrison mania. You know (that is, you would if you're of a certain age)...one of those pimply teen-age boys who idolized the guy because he was a rock star who died young and lived a kind of artistic, self-indulgent life spent bucking the system. It's the stuff that of every adolescent boy's dreams are made of.
So it would make sense that Crist might want to vindicate a childhood idol, by pardoning him for a act of exposure that he may or may not have been guilty of. Kind of like President Ford pardoning Nixon, only this Dicky may of may not have been so Tricky.
According to Doors band member Ray Mandarak, the willy was actually never whipped. Instead, it was all just "mass hallucination." He says, and I quote, "He said he was going to do it, and I think they saw it. They saw what they needed to see."
Wow. That's some phantom penis.
I used to know this guy in high school who was obsessed with Jim Morrison. He was a big tall blond jock with a bit of an attitude, and he was in my Sophomore English class. One time, he thought it would be cool to do a book report on "No One Gets Out of Here Alive," the definitive biography of Jim Morrison. We were all supposed to read our reports in front of the class, and knowing that, he decided to include in his report the infamous phantom penis incident. He thought it would be fun to shock our English teacher, I think.
So, when he got up in front of the class, he deliberately read this section of the book to everyone.
"And so, Jim Morrison, caught in the heat of the moment, pulled down his pants and exposed his flay-sid cock to the entire audience."
He looked around, his blue eyes twinkling merrily, to see how our teacher would react.
If he was really looking for a reaction, he really didn't know whom he was messing with. Besides being our English teacher, she was also the school drama teacher, and I knew her as a person who didn't take shit from nobody.
True to form, she waited until he was done with his report. Then, in as dispassionate a tone as possible, she proceeded to critique his presentation, without mentioning a word about what he had read to the class. Then she opened it up to questions. And finally, just as he was about to sit down, looking really smug thinking he had gotten away with something, she said.
"And by the way, Jeff, it's FLACCID."
Jeff stopped, his stupid jock face puzzled for a moment. "What?"
"Flaccid. Jim Morrison exposed his flaccid cock to the audience. If you're going to say it, say it correctly, next time. Okay?"
Everyone started laughing, and in three seconds, Jeff had gone from looking like a rock star to looking a little flaysid himself. It was perfect timing, and my love for my drama teacher grew two sizes larger that day.
Anyway, Charlie Crist has indicated to MSNBC that he's convinced Morrison is not guilty. "The more I looked into the case...the more briefings I got about Jim Morrison and what happened that evening, the less and the more flimsy the evidence appeared to be."
It's nice that Crist has had so much time to spend looking into Jim Morrison and his briefings. Really it is. Hopefully today, all that time thinking about Morrison's package will be well spent, and he and his cracker jack clemency team will be able to whip out those briefings and take a good hard look at whether the evidence truly measures up. Hopefully, they'll be able to determine just how flimsy things really are. Or should I say, flaysid?
Honestly, I can think of no better use of taxpayer money. Can you? Talk about being dicked around.