The other day, Billboard announced, just in time for Valentine's day, its list of the 50 sexiest songs, by popularity. The names of the songs were a little odd, to me.
Sitting on top at number one, like a big bloated Cupid, was Olivia Newton-John's paean to jazzercise, "Physical."
I'm sorry, but since when does a song with the lyrics "Let's get into animals" count as sexy? And besides that, Malaria Neutron-Bomb sings the song in her trademark inoffensive, lighter than light, I was once an Australian Girl scout style. I mean, there's not a single ounce of sex anywhere to be found in that little ditty. I'd sooner get it on to "Barney is a Dinosaur" than I would "Let's Get Physical," frankly.
Rod Stewart's "Tonights the Night" is number two. Well, it's a better selection, but really, if you're going to bring sexy back, "Do You Think I'm Sexy" is probably a...well, sexier...and way, way cheesier, suggestion.
Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You." is number three. I have two words for Boyz II Men: limp and flaccid. Neither one really gets my mojo going.
Next's "Too Close" is next. I don't even think I know that song. Next!
Finally, Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" is number five. Finally, an actually sexy song...it only took them five tries to get it right...kind of like first love, I suppose...
I mean really, where are the real songs that actual make your loins ache? Donna Summers "I Feel Love" would be a good selection. "Love Hangover" by Diana Ross might be a good one. How about Led Zep's "Whole Lotta love"? Madonna's "Justify My Love"? Hell, even Captain and Tennille's "Muskrat Love"! Ooops, sorry, we're back into loving animals again...
But in my opinion, what's the number one sexiest song, the one that instantly gets me climbing off the walls? Ah, no contest there...when I hear this song, I become like a bull in heat! It can only be:
Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!