First he's missing for a week, supposedly hiking in the Appalachian mountains. Next, his car is found at an airport in Atlanta. Then he says he's been to Argentina...now we learn his wife asked him to separate after she discovered he'd been unfaithful, and finally, he reveals himself to the world, with the news that he's spent the last five days "crying in Argentina."
I remember the last time I cried for five days in Argentina.
You all remember it, too. Don't you? I'm positive I journaled all about it. Ah, memories!
It was while I was still married to Josie. I was a big cheese at the time, the mayor of Eldredge. One night, when I was supposed to be busy raising taxes, wifey caught me at a halfway house in flagrante delicto with three calls girls, a midget, and beloved Broadway icon Liza Minelli.
First, Josie was shocked. Then she was mildly intrigued. Then she asked Liza Minelli to sing "New York, New York" for her. Then she tried to figure out what fit where. And then, she told me that the town of Eldredge wasn't big enough for the two of us. At least, for two weeks.
My heart broken, I did the only thing I could think of. I packed up the call girls, the midget, and Liza in a wrinkled brown duffel bag, and booked the next red eye headed straight for Buenos Aires.
One hour later, there I was, bawling my eyes out at my favorite hovel down Argentine way, drowning my sorrows in a cheap bottle of Rio Ricardo and crying like there was no manana.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the hotel room door. "Who is it?" I asked, and stumbled over to open it.
There she was, in all her glory. Eva Peron.
"Are you crying for ME?" she asked, looking like she was about to hit me with a descamisado.
I shook my head.
"Oh. Okay." She turned around. She left.
Liza unzipped the duffel bag, climbed out, and started singing "I've Never Been to Me." I returned to drowning my sorrows, while Liza played on.
"I've been undressed by kings," I thought to myself. "And I've seen some things, that a woman aint supposed to--"
(Tape is deliberately erased at this point.)