Ah, you gotta love this time of year...it's that every or four-to-eight year occurrence where our American presidents go through their list of who's been naughty and make them nice...or, at least, pardon them for past crimes, so that the incoming administration can't take punitive action against cronies.
In this spirit of loving forgiveness, I have decided to absolve 14 individuals of certain unspeakable crimes that I have harbored grudges against for years now. As you are all undoubtedly aware, as I lay dying, my one last innocent little wish is to have those people that I have known and loved throughout my life pile into the room that contains my death bed. One by one, they shall enter that room, and there, I shall recount, in loving detail, the many misdeeds and injustices that they have performed against me, so that they can exit the room, a hollow shell, sobbing and unforgiven.
I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?
Except for these 14 crimes. These, I have decided to forgive. I am certain that the bad-deed-doers who have committed these offenses can rest easier, from this moment on, knowing that their crimes have been erased from my humongous Injustice Catalog.
I HEREBY PARDON SARAH PALIN, for naming her child Trig. The other names for her children, however, are completely unforgivable.
I HEREBY PARDON MADONNA, for making the movie "Shanghai Surprise." She's had to live with that shame for decades now.
I HEREBY PARDON THAT KID WHO THREW UP ON MY LUNCH TRAY IN THIRD GRADE. I understand that the sight of me opening up my mouth to show him what I was eating was not a strategically wise move.
I HEREBY PARDON BJORK, for wearing a swan to the Academy Awards.
I HEREBY PARDON MY SISTER LAURIE, for opening me up to public ridicule, that time she discovered I had taken a knife from my grandmother's kitchen to split in half a large turd I thought might clog up the toilet.
I HEREBY PARDON CORB, for threatening to throw away my daughter's beloved E-Z Bake Oven.
I HEREBY PARDON MY FATHER, for giving me the nickname "Ed Skunk" during much of my formative years.
I HEREBY PARDON THE PERSON WHO INVENTED CROCS, for fashion crimes against humanity.
I HEREBY PARDON MY BIOLOGY PROFESSOR IN COLLEGE, who gave me an F on my final paper, just because I allowed a pretty blond to copy my results.
I HEREBY PARDON GEORGE W. BUSH, for mispronouncing the word "nuclear" all these years.
I HEREBY PARDON JOSIE, for carelessly throwing away my last piece of summer sausage fifteen years ago. Even though I had just done the bills and was really craving that summer sausage, as a reward. No, I don't care that it was two months old. It was yummy!
--Well, waitaminute. No, I don't. I'm still angry about that one. I TAKE THAT ONE BACK.
I HEREBY PARDON THE MAN who invented pubic hair.
I HEREBY PARDON BILL CLINTON, for having sexual relations with that woman...and not with me.
I HEREBY PARDON THE GIRL WHO GAVE ME MY FIRST KISS in second grade. Her breath reeked of Fritos, and clearly, that episode turned me away from heterosexual love permanently.
I HEREBY PARDON BILLY RAY CYRUS for singing "Achey Breaky Heart." I do not forgive him for bringing Myley Cyrus into this world, however.
I tell you, it sure feels good to get all that forgiveness out of my system! In fact, it feels so good, I absolutely insist on pardoning another dozen or so people, another eight years from now. You heard it here, first!