Yeah, I'm talking to you. What, you didn't think I could see you, just because I'm on the television? Puh-lease.
I see you standing there, hunched over that sink. Standing there in your grimy jeans and wifebeater, with that leather tool belt, all full of...well, tools. Nice, shiny tools they are, too. I like your tools, Joe.
Yes, I see you there, with that beautiful plumber's crack showing. Surprise! It's a beautiful crack, by the way. Nice and pink. Well toned. By the way, do you wax it? Wish I had a handsome crack like that!
I bet your wife likes that crack, too. Yeah Joe, that's right, your beautiful wife. I like HER, too. She's really pretty. I've been watching her, from the campaign trail. Josephine the plumber's wife. I think she's just swell.
Joe, I want you to know, I'm running this campaign for you. Just you. No, seriously. I don't care about any of the other millions of folks in America. I don't care about those stupid teachers, garbagemen, scientists, hoes, bee keepers, underwear models. I only have eyes for you, Joe. Supermodels? It is to laugh. Bankers? Please. It's all about you, Joe. All about YOU.
See how I'm sitting here, looking all blinky? I'm blinking out a secret message to you, Joe. It's morse code. I'm trying to tell you how much I love you, Joe. How much I care. You can see that, right? I care, I really do. I care about you, because I think you're swell.
Blink blink, blink blink blink blink. I'm blinking out I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U, did you catch that?
See Sarah, my running mate? Isn't she pretty? She's winking, Joe. Winking at you. She'd kill a bear for you, with her hands, if she could.
Wink blink blink wink wink. Winky winky blink blink blink. We're sending out signals of love your way.
I'd wander around, too, all through this debate, if I could. Calling out your name, like Stanley calling for Stella. Calling out your name, like a moose in heat, the kind that Sarah would kill with her bare hands. Only I can't, because they duct taped my legs to the seat. Damn that liberal media!
Joe, I think you're the bestest. Hell, I wish I were Joe the Plumber! I wish I were YOU, Joe, sitting in that kitchen, fixing that sink, flashing that crack. I wish I had your plumbing!
Not that guy, though. No, he doesn't think that way about you. Oh, he's eloquent, isn't he? He's an eloquent little devil, that's for sure. He may be a smooth talker, but read his lips: No new taxes.
Wait, that's not right. Hold on, got a little fuzzy there, for a moment. Wait a minute, my friend Joe the plumber...just need to rest for a minute.
Okay! I'm all set, now. Sorry about that! But did I mention that I love you? Because I do, big guy. I love you because you're a maverick, just like me. We're mavericky mavericks of the most mavericky kind.
Here's what I promise to you, right now. If I'm elected president, I'll pass every single law, dedicate every single speech, to you. Just to you. You're my man, sweet Joe. By the way, do you mind if I call you "sweet Joe"? I know, it sounds kind of gay, but I think we're pretty good friends by now. Intimate. Don't you?
Joe, you're my guy. If I could...if I lived in Massachusetts, say, I think I'd even marry you. Butt crack and all. If you lived in Alaska, I think I'd even make you my vice-president. Too bad they don't allow gay marriage in Alaska...then you could be vice-president and first plumber, all rolled into one!
Oops, time's up. Have to stop talking. Time to scowl.
PS: By the way, did I just snort on live television?