Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria
tedwords

Open Wide, and the Tattered Tale of the Tattooed Tit


Picked up through a Google search, by typing in "X-ray, tooth, decay" Try it, it's fun!

"Open Wide"

As if I don't have enough to worry about, what with being father-of-the-bride this upcoming Saturday and all, a brand spanking fresh new pain started to inflict itself upon me this past week-end.

Well, maybe not so new. But it did nuzzle up to me, I swear, as tightly as Monica's lips upon Bill's...ummm...cigar. As unwanted and unloved as Hillary on Obama's short list.

See, Saturday morning, I started to feel a swelling in a certain area. All morning, this swelling grew larger and larger. I kept licking at it obsessively, unable to concentrate on anything else.

...

...

...

Of course, I'm talking about a swelling on the lower left side of the inside of my mouth. Right next to my molars, where my wisdom tooth should be. What were YOU thinking?

By noon, the pain was unbearable. And at that point, I stuck my finger in my mouth and pressed against the swollen area. And three seconds later, SPLOOSH


It fell flat. Just collapsed, like bread in an oven. And that was that.

Well, it still hurt for a few hours. And actually, it wasn't "all that." Because two days later, the swelling was back again. Only on the other side of my mouth, and try as I might, I couldn't get the bubble on that side of my mouth to go SPLOOSH, no matter how hard I tried. And yes, I DID TRY.

After a day of that, I called up my dentist. "Is there any way I can get an appointment, quick?" I asked, trying to sound as desperate and ragged as possible. "I have this gum thing, and my daughter's getting married this week-end, and I don't want to look like a grouch at her wedding."

The receptionist chuckled a bit. "Can you get here in an hour?"

Hmmm. Is it smoggy in Beijing?

One hour later, I was stretched out in an overly reclined dentist chair, and the dental hygienist was poking her fingers around my mouth. "Oh," she said, when she got to my right side, in a way that suggested that what she was looking at was not good. "Can you feel it when you close your mouth?"

I nodded my head. She shook hers and left the room.

The dentist came in a few minutes later. He flipped through my chart, and flipped through it, looking faintly disapproving. "Been anywhere else?" he asked.

I was confused. "I don't think so..."

"You haven't been here in over two years," he said, sounding like a wife whose husband has been unfaithful. "You came here for a cleaning that March. And it looks like you were complaining about your wisdom tooth in the same exact area."

"Oh." I paused for a moment, feeling like a trapped rat. I forgot about that one. "Guess what? It still hurts!"

"Well, you need to get your wisdom teeth removed," he said, sternly. "Sooner, rather than later."

"Can I do it after the wedding?" I asked, probably taking him too seriously.

He squinted his eyes and grinned. "I think that would be a good idea."

And then he prescribed nice medicine for me, and told me to switch between Motrin and Tylenol. And guess what? One day later, and the swelling is almost all gone!

I told my mother about it, tonight. She told me that she never has had her wisdom teeth removed. Oh, they swell every now and then, but she just takes stuff for the pain and ignores it. This is a plan I think I could get into. After all, as I've always said, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? And if the pain's gone now, maybe it won't come back for another two years.

On the other hand, Corb was just told he has to have his wisdom teeth removed. "Maybe you could go to my oral surgeon, and we can get a two-for-one special," he joked.

That would be fun. Maybe we could get it done the same week, too.

I just wouldn't want to be the kids, living in the same apartment as two gay men who've just had their wisdom teeth removed, though...man, talk about bitchy...

***

"The Tattered Tale"

"Guess what mom told us yesterday?" said Ashes, in the car tonight. Then, she tapped Theo on the shoulder. "You tell him."

"I don't want to tell him!" said Theo. "You tell him."

"Guess," said Ashes.

"Ummm...Mom told you she had her boob tattooed?" I offered.

"Dad!" screamed Theo. "Who says stuff like that???" And I heard Corb in his voice, and smiled.

"We went to Taco Bell last night, and Mom walked into the bathroom on a special needs person," explained Ashes.

"Was it a woman?" I asked.

"No, Dad, she walked into the men's bathroom," said Theo, sarcastically.

"Why would she do something like that?" I asked, trying to sound upset. Then, I nodded. "Oh, I get it. HE tattooed her boob."

"Dad! No, she walked in on the special needs person in the girls' bathroom."

"So SHE was the one who tattooed your mother's boob. I don't know if I'd let a special needs person do that, personally."

I felt a kick at the back of my seat. "No, she didn't do anything to...that," said Theo, chastely. "The special needs person was going to the bathroom."

"Was she pooping?" I asked.

Both kids groaned. "I don't think Mom knows that one, Dad."

"Who says things like that?" Theo asked, once again.

So, I waited. I waited and I waited and I waited. And finally, as we were going on our nightly walk outside, watching the bats fly down and pick out bugs from the air, I received a call on my cell phone from Josie.

"Hey," I said, picking it up on the first ring. "What's all this about you getting your boob tatooed at a Taco Bell from a special needs person who was taking a poop?"

It was at this point that Theo threatened to disown me.

Corb waited until I was off the phone. "You know," he said, grinning one of his big broad grins. "I think I could lock you up in a room, all alone, for fourteen years, and when I opened up that door after all that time, you'd have found some way to amuse yourself."

I nodded. Absolutely!

###

Oh, one other thing. Is it inappropriate that I am totally in love with Pink? I thought her CD "I'm Not Dead" was without a doubt one of the best from two years ago...at least, it was the one I listened to the most, that year. Especially "Cuz I Can." Great song, that.

And I love her new single, too. "So What" is a terrific song! Of course, I'd be a bit pissed, if I were her ex-husband. But I cannot wait to hear her new CD when it comes out. I need something fun to listen to at work. It makes me type faster.
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