Just who the hell do you think you are? Do you realize that at least seven of your feline lives are hanging by a thread? Do you?
Do you really think that, just because you're hungry this morning, you have the right to trash the house? Do you really think that gives you a green light to jump on to the dressers and knock things down?
Do you really think it gives you a reason to jump on my bed table and knock over my glasses, causing the left lens to pop out, and the screw to fall on to the floor? Do you know what it's like to have to scramble around on your hands and knees, totally blind, trying to feel around for a screw that's roughly a tenth of the size of your tiny nose, little cat? Do you know how long it took to find that screw? How I ended up picking crumbs out of the rug? Plastic cuttings? Little hardened objects I don't really even want to contemplate?
Do you really think it gives you the right to scamper into the bathroom and tear up the blue throw rug that's next to the toilet? We like to have nice things next to our toilet, too, you know, especially things that are cushy and soft, and feel good next to our feet. It’s kind of a comfort on those mornings when you don't really want to get up. If you use your claws to tear out the threading, they don't look half so pretty, or feel half as good, any more…do they?
And, while I'm at it, do you REALLY think it's appropriate to wait until I'm done cleaning out your kitty liter box, making sure it's nice and clean, and free of any offensive odors, to then saunter on over, two seconds after I'm done, squat down and dump into it something that smells as though it crawled up your ass and died there days ago? Each and every time? I mean, is that really thoughtful? COULDN'T YOU HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO WAIT JUST A FEW HOURS?
I'll get your food, you stupid cat. I'll get you some stinking fresh water, too. But you'd better watch out, just mark my words. You may not want to know what I might be leaving in your Friskies, one of these days.
Well, not really, but...it's awfully tempting, this early in the morning. Sigh.
Just get over here and let me pet you, wouldja? And also, make that cute little leopard noise I love so much, And try not to dig your claws into my arms after a few seconds, okay? You might just earn redemption that way.
January 5, 2005