What in the world has happened to America's fast food industry?
I mean, we all know that the stuff's bad for you. You don't even need to watch five seconds of Super Size Me to get that concept under your belt.
But...but...rats pressed into hamburger patties at McDonalds? Most everyone, I think, has heard of the recent story of the man who discovered a furry surprise pressed between the buns of his favorite fast food. I can just see that poor man, biting down into what he thought was going to be a greasy quarter pounder, only to pull back and discover a rodent eyeball dangling from his canine incisor. What, McDonalds needed another way to give someone a heart attack, besides the grease?
This is actually the second incident I've read--the first occurred in 1999. (I was just checking out the lede on the net, and it's great--"McDonald's Canada is being sued by a Toronto family that claims a severed rat's head was found nestled between the toppings of a Big Mac that was about to be eaten by a nine-year-old girl...After biting into the Big Mac, Ayan Abdi Jama noticed the remains of the rodent, "complete with eyes, teeth, nose and whiskers,'' says the statement of claim. Yum!)
Or how about the recent story (alleged to be true on the urban legends section of about.com) of the severed finger of a black female, discovered swimming in a bowl of chili at Wendy's. Talk about giving someone the finger...
Really, what's next? I half expect to find a different kind of nut floating in my Chock Full of Nuts. Will my favorite pizza joint in Warwick, the Greek Oven, start baking real Greeks into every sub? Or maybe Wendy's could turn the finger thing into a marketing campaign, and launch "Pieces of Dave"--featuring the assorted body parts of deceased founder Dave Thomas in some of their most popular meals? "Look, Mommy--I found Dave's earlobe in my baked potato!" "How cool--Dave's pancreas is swimming in my Frosty!"
Of course, in the Wendy's incident, police are claiming they don't have any credible evidence that the finger came from the Wendy's food, although the woman who found it denies planting it. (I know, talk about finger pointing...) The rumour is that the finger may have been that of a deceased relative, which begs the question: when did said relative lose said finger? Did finger finder Anna Alaya bring a small saw with her to the wake? Did Anna pay a special visit to her aunt's grave at night? Was it left to her in a will?
Wendy's is now putting up a $50,000 reward for information on the owner of the finger. I tell you, with my current money situation, I'm half tempted to do a litle reconstructive surgery and show up to claim the reward. ("But Ted," I hear you cry, "You're not black, and you're not female..." Details, baby, details!)
So many questions, so litle time. Frankly, this whole entry is just plain making me hungry...but what will I have to eat?
(insert evil laughter here...)