By the 14th, of course, I get my bonus, and then I'll be in good shape for at least six months, since I'll also get paid for the play in June. I really don't know about taxes this year, so I don't want to think about that, but that will happen after bonus time, anyway, so it's not a big deal. Or, gulp. Not that big.
But this week, everything's falling short. I've already paid the mortgage and our credit cards and our car insurance, and it kind of left a negative balance, but I had known that was going to happen, so I had set aside some money from the paycheck before that. But I've still got rent to pay, and even with what I set aside, I'm about $50 short.
I've got a few options that I'm kicking around, but the first thing I'm going to do is to double check when the bonus comes in. Maybe it's earlier than I'm thinking. Let's hope--I have Tiger's birthday on the 10th, and there's no way I'm going to let the little guy down.
Last night, I planned set with my designer. I was in the company of men: Pete, and his brother Bob, and Tony, the conductor. The talked sports, women, old hijinks. They laughed loudly and belched. I returned home with at least four beers in my belly and a feeling that I was kind of drunk. On only four beers, can you believe it? Where has my stamina gone?
As I was telling Corb last night, I still feel that my confidence isn't exactly where it used to be. I stumble over words, act shy. I smile and nod when I have nothing else to offer. Not during discussions of the set, mind you. On subjects such as that, I make my point, although even then, I sometimes get stuck on certain things, like temporarily forgetting the names of things like "wagon" or "porch." I'll replace porch with "Eller's house," so I can get the message across quickly. I have this sense of unease, even though I know that these guys are trying to make me feel as welcome and as accepted as they possibly can.
I think it's stress, the weight of so many things. But I really want to set aside some of my bonus and do something for just me, when these next few months are over.