Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria

An Open Letter to My Cat

Dear Thumbkin,

Just who the hell do you think you are?

Do you realize that at least seven of your feline lives are hanging by a thread? Do you?

Do you really think the fact that you're hungry this morning gives you a justification to trash the house? Do you really think it gives you a green light to jump on to the dressers, and knock things down?

Do you really think that it gives you a reason to jump on my bed table and knock over my glasses, which caused the left lens to pop out and the screw to fall on to the floor? Do you know what it's like to have to scramble around on your hands and knees, totally blind, trying to feel around for a screw that's roughly a tenth of the size of your tiny penis, little cat (and don't get all smarmy on me and accuse me of using a misplaced modifier in that last sentence, if you know what's good for you!) Do you know how long it took to find that screw, how I ended up picking crumbs out of the rug, plastic cuttings, little hardened objects that I don't really even want to contemplate?

Do you really think it gives you the right to scamper into the bathroom, after you make that cute little leopard noise that I love so much, and tear up the blue throw rug that's next to the toilet? We like to have nice things set next to our toilet, too, you know, especially things that are cushy and soft, and feel good next to your feet. It’s kind of a comfort on those mornings that you really don't want to get up. But if you use your claws and tear out the threading, then they don't look half so pretty any more, do they?

And, while I'm at it, do you REALLY think it's appropriate to wait until I'm done cleaning out your kitty liter box, making sure it's nice and clean, and free of any offensive odors, and then saunter on over, two seconds after I'm done, and squat down and dump into it something that smells as though it crawled up your ass and died there days ago? Each and every time? I mean, is that really thoughtful? COULDN'T YOU HAVE THE DECENCY TO WAIT JUST ONE OR TWO HOURS???

I'll get you your food, you stupid cat. I'll get you some stinking fresh water, too. But you'd better watch out, just mark my words. You may not want to know what I might be leaving in your Friskies, one of these days.

Well, not really, but...

It's awfully tempting, this early in the morning.


Just get over here and let me pet you, wouldja? And also, make that cute purring noise that you make. And try not to dig your claws into my arms after thirty seconds, okay? You may earn redemption that way.

By a thread, I tell you...
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