And somewhat uncertain about what the future has to bring. I don't know, this whole Christmas season I've felt somewhat...hmm, I guess the word is...incomplete. It's been hard to work up a sense of happy happy joy joy, even though I know I've got a lot to be thankful for.
I mean, a lot. I've got good friends, Josie and I are landing better than I ever could have anticipated (except that I'm typing this from her computer and I so freaking hate her keyboard...it doesn't like my fingers and misses every third letter or so...I feel like an incomplete bowl of alphabet soup...okay, so I digress...), I've got three great kids, and more than enough dates (believe me, more than enough...even I can't keep them straight any more), and a good family, and a warm home...and a warm apartment...
But still, there's a slight feeling of ennui. A haze that hangs over my being like a halo of smog around L.A. And it's affected me in dumb ways.
Like my license, for example. It was up for renewal on my birthday. Did I get it done then? Oh, no. I put it off and put it off.
And Friday night, I was getting Chinese food for the kids, and realized that I forgot Tiger's Happy Meal, and drove to McD's to pick it up. And there's a cop there in the parking lot, and I get a jittery feeling, but go through the drive thru, and as soon as I get out, who pulls me over--just because he must have run a a check and determined that my license had expired ten days ago.
Silly, stupid stuff. But I have to go in today to indicate I'm contesting the charge (I renewed it that night). Otherwise, it's a criminal citation. A criminal--me! The guy who won't pull the inspection tag off his mattress for fear that the bed police will come and take me away.
But that's the thing. I'm making some progress (with my finances, with the cell phone debacle, with my mortgage, with my writing...in some sense), but I feel this sense of...intertia..and distraction. When it comes to having a short attention span, these days I feel that I could write the book...only I won't, because something will distract me.
The Real Story: Three important goals for 2004
--Keep at the money stuff. I'm on to something, I know it. Even with the house and apt thing, I do have enough to survive, and that will start to be reflected next year, if I'm smart.
--Be more aggressive with Amelia. I sent out only two queries last year. Only two. Both times, I received requests to send the full manuscript. One agent still has it, a big one, and I met with her to discuss it in detail. That's a pretty good sign, I would say. (Oh. On that note, I just developed a contact at Houghton Mifflin...someone who I've worked with for the past year who respects my writing. It's not directly related to fiction, but she's indicated we have potential here)
--Settle down. I don't really want this boyfriend of the week thing. It's fun and all, but I'm just not built that way. I want someone to love, to love me back. I just want one, really. Someone to hold on to and snuggle with during the rainy nights. Someone to plan trips with. Someone to talk over the day.