Snapshots from Green Victoria (tedwords) wrote,
Snapshots from Green Victoria
tedwords

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I hate my life

I guess that I really need to get used to this, because I predict that within the next year, we'll be divorced and it'll be the way that I'll need to conduct my life.

Today Lisa had a very pleasant day with the kids--went to the movies, went out shopping for Kayla, went out to eat at Friendly's. Today I had a very busy day--with Anne and David out of the office, I want to do really well, especially because I suspect Anne will be all over me next week if I drop anything. Be that as it may, when I came home and realized that there wasn't anything on the table and that Lisa was rushing out to rehearsal and that I was expected to fend for myself, I was displeased.

I guess I was expecting the old days, where I would have had dinner waiting for me. But those were days where we loved each other, cared for each other. Those days are gone. we stay together for the kids. I am gay and she is...whatever she is. I don't know.

Anyway, I will confess to being sulky, but I hardly think I was as nasty as she was. I did consider walking out and leaving (especially when I was getting it from both ends--her as well as Krista), but when Kayla and TJ came out in tears I couldn't do it. So I went back in and tried to hide in the house until LJ left, but she wanted to yell at me a bit more. I did yell back some but basically I closed my eyes and envisioned just being anywhere else but home.

I think this could be considered spineless. I grouse about something and get a shrill harpy yipping at me for the next fifteen minutes about how ungrateful I am. Fine. She won that battle. With an acceptance of my sexual identity comes an abandonment of any sense of caring or compassion on her part, because she's accepting enough just accepting that. "I'll give you that one, pardner, because I have to, but that's it. You're on thin ice the rest of the way."

So, my sample chapter isn't a priority any more, my meals aren't a priority (even though I am still the breadwinner and am working my ass off trying to keep us out of the poorhouse).

Well, okay. I need to learn to stand on my own, anyhow. Because Lisa will not be a part of my life for much longer. And I need to learn to stand on my own two feet completely. IT'S ABOUT FRICKIN TIME!
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