It would be the time that I thought that I'd be adventurous and see what it was like to iron my gonads...
No, no, no. Sorry. I'm silly tonight. You know, up until fifth grade, I loved my childhood. I think I kind of lived inside my own little magical world, where I could take two paper airplanes and tape them together and--voila! Look, I'd just made an exact replica of the Jupiter 2.
But there was one time that I should have come out of my slumber and failed to do so. And I guess I wish that I had, because I could have really made a difference in someone's life. I had a friend, Gary, and I used to go over his house every now and then. And his sister was treated... differently. She always dressed shabbily, always kind of looked a little wild. Skinny, wild-eyed kid. Looked as though she were running scared. And one time...I remember it clear as a bell...we were playing in his backyard...and I looked over, and there was Lorraine...staring outside her house from the back door. Her mouth had been taped up with duct tape, all the way around her head, taped to her matted brown hair.
And I felt so uneasy. I was only ten at the time. Gary made a joke about it, said Lorraine was being punished. And I excused myself and said I had to go and ran home and hugged my mom and hugged her but good. But I'm not sure if I told her what had happened. If I did, she didn't do anything about it.
Gary's parents were arrested a year later for forcing Lorraine to live in the cellar and for throwing boiling water on her back periodically to punish her.
I'll never forget those eyes, staring out the window that day.
They were so lonely. And if I had just spoken up a bit louder...maybe I could have changed things. Maybe I could have spared her from that sort of living hell one year earlier.
2. Do you believe that all people have some good in them?
Yes, definitely. Even Mussolini kept the trains running on time! In fact, I'm certain that even Evil Anne has some good qualities...in fact, let me think about them......um...Evil Anne has...well, she's...
Well, maybe not EVERYONE has some good in them...now that I think about it, maybe there are a few people who are JUST PLAIN EVIL! AND I HATE THEM! KILL! KILL!! KILL!!!
(takes a deep breath...wipes brow..)
(This dramatic presentation has been brought to you by Overactors Anonymous...when you care enough to ham it up with the best...)
3. What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
Nothing funny has ever happened to me. I live a dull, boring, gray life and you are the only color that has entered into it, darling. Actually, seriously, I think that my favorite story to tell of all time has to be the Corinne story. But that's too long to write down here. Or our Tabloid Teaser evenings, with Pauline and Buns and Bob. Especially the "push ups in a cucumber patch" evening.
4. What is the wildest sex you've ever had - not necessarily with your wife.
Without a doubt, the wildest sex has been WITH my wife--hot dogs...hanging rocks...Dennis...the large black fifteen inch strap-on....the two mules and the German immigrant...the time that we made love while traveling at eighty miles an hour through the desert and then hit a cactus...ah, yes, the wild times! Definitely memories that make me smile.
5. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
I would be a grizzly bear and eat evil Anne. Why? Because I could!
Seriously, I'd be a nice doggie like Prince. I could be walked, I'd have kids who love me, I'd look devastatingly handsome all the time...and I could break wind and just kind of grunt and turn in the other direction, as if nothing had happened.