You see, Josie and I took today off from work to really plan our future together. As I've indicated, I've been having some second thoughts. Is this the right decision? Are we doing the right thing? Can we swing it? Even at the reduced rate, the East Side location came with other bills: electric, natural gas, gas, parking, not to mention phone and cable.
So today, we woke up and brought the kids to school, and then went out for breakfast. After breakfast, we traveled to my parents' house to scope out the furniture. With my folks moving, everything's up for grabs, and we wanted to figure out what we'll bring to the home, what I'll take, etc.
Well, we got to talking, and we still hug and kiss each other...that'll never change, no matter what; and as we were hugging, I said to her (as I had said several times today), "Are you sure that we're doing the right thing?" and this time she kind of shook her head, looked down, and said...
"Yes, I think we're doing the right thing," she said. "And you have to stop doing this to me. I can't be on this roller coaster ride any more. It's too emotionally draining."
"I guess I'm just scared," I admitted. "I just want to remain in your life. I want to see the kids, every day. I want us to continue to be a family."
"You'll always have that," she replied, and it rang true.
"But how about if you find a guy and he's not accepting of me?"
"That won't happen."
"But how can you guarantee that?" I asked. "You can't."
"Yes. I can," she said, firmly. And in my heart, I really do believe her.
"But how about if you remarry and he wants to have kids?" I asked, stammering in my usual whiny fashion, somewhat akin to Woody Allen, had he been birthed from the uterus of a Protestant woman. "I don't want my kids to be the ugly stepchildren."
"Ted, I'm too old to have any more kids."
"No you're not."
"Let me put it like this," she replied, her jaw set in a determined fashion. "I don't want to have kids hanging around in the house when I'm sixty."
And who would, really?
Okay, I guess it's been decided. This is going to happen. And it must happen before September.
But I still have doubts about the East Side. Money's a big one, and also the fact that if I agree, I'm committed there for a year. And I'm just not certain that I want to feel tied down like that for twelve months. How about if my finances go south? How about if I miss my family too much? It's just too heavy a commitment for me. Plus, I couldn't call it my own.
So when we drove home, four chairs, one kitchen table, one wicker bookshelf, and a signed and framed photograph of Bill and Hillary later, I called a place in Attleboro that my friend Joycey had recommended. And we arranged for an appointment this afternoon.
I know the place. I have friends there. It's very nice. For only $70 more than the East Side digs, I get a smaller place--simply a decent sized bedroom, living room and kitchen...which is all I really need. But...
--The only utilities would be electricity and cable (if I wanted that).
--You only need give thirty days if you want to move out.
--It's in Attleboro, only five minutes from the kids.
--There's a swimming pool and tennis court for the kids.
--The people in the area are nice.
--I can call it my own.
--It's near a theater group thart's interested in having me perform with them.
--Finally, I won't be beholden to Peter. This was a big concern for me, because I don't want to feel that I owe him anything that I can't deliver upon..meaning...I'm still too raw and bruised to make a serious commitment to anyone.
This seems like a better option for me, quite frankly, and I feel more at ease with the decision.
So I did sign to be put on the approval list, and as soon as an opening comes up, they'll call me. The move should take place August 8.
This is it, my friends. It's finally taking place. Let's see how this next adventure plays out...